


Completely and Utterly Smitten

by WolfyWordWeaver



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Anxiety, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Developing Relationship, Drama, F/M, Family Feels, Fluff, Football | Soccer, Friendship, Getting Together, M/M, Mild Language, Protective Parents, Slice of Life, Sports, Teenagers, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans!Sirius
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 08:21:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 16,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24846712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WolfyWordWeaver/pseuds/WolfyWordWeaver
Summary: James and Sirius meet in high school and quickly become best friends, but James knows that he wants to be more than that. Sirius has a secret and James has anxieties, but they both know that what they have is something special and something worth fighting for.
Relationships: Sirius Black/James Potter
Comments: 10
Kudos: 50





	1. Prologue

"Yo, Moony! What's up, man?" 

The shorter boy looked up in surprise from the stacks of paper he was shuffling through and grinned widely, the skin around his scars crinkling a bit.

"James! I'm good. Just trying to get this stuff sorted for the student gov meeting."

"Our good ol' president," James teased as he pulled Remus into a gentle headlock. He wasn't sure how queasy his friend would be after this newest change in medication. 

"I'm not president yet," Remus laughed good-naturedly. "Elections are in a couple of weeks. I'm just a temporary representative."

"Yeah, yeah, but that's because you were our class president last year." 

Looking over the crowds of milling students James was glad to recognize a good portion of them. He was even more pleased to see the glances in his direction even from a few upper classmen. High School was looking to be even better than he had hoped for and that was a definite plus after such a depressing summer. His maternal grandparents had died and as they had been the only grandparents he had known he took it pretty hard. Remus had also been too sick to hang out and even had to go to the hospital a couple of times. A head of black hair caught his attention and when the person turned around James felt his mouth go dry.

"...and yeah the clubs are going to need to-"

"Damn, Moony! Who's that babe over there?" he asked as he pointed shamelessly to the tall girl standing by the flagpole and staring down at her class schedule with scrunched up eyebrows.

Remus looked over and squinted. "Uh..."

"I mean, damn! She's so freakin' gorgeous! Would it be bad form to ask her out on the first day of school?" James finally took a breath when he noticed Remus giving him a funny look. "What? You're the rep. You know all our classmates, right?"

"James," the dirty blond started slowly, "that's Sirius Black, Heir to _the_ Black Fortune."

"Heir?" he asked in confusion for a moment before turning as crimson as his brown skin would allow. "Oh."

Coming from Old Money, he was familiar with many of the other families in their small social circle, but Fleamont and Euphemia had been determined that their son would not be an entitled brat so he was kept in public schools and around other economic classes as much as possible. James had never even met any of the prestigious Blacks since their family did not prescribe to the same line of thinking as his.

Remus patted his arm comfortingly. "Er, it's okay. I mean, he has long-ish hair?"

Embarrassment burned even more hotly across his face as James couldn't keep from glancing over at Sirius again. Yeah, sure he could now see that Sirius was dressed smartly in designer slacks and a button up and carried himself in a masculine way, but he was so freakin' gorgeous and just...James was even more ashamed that he still thought that Sirius ought to be a girl. 

"Please don't tell anyone I said that," he mumbled and Remus nodded. 

They might be in public school, but this area of the world was decidedly more conservative in values. James was sure that he found people of all genders attractive, but there had never been an openly gay couple at this school and he was still just a Freshman hoping to be in the popular crowd and work his way through the ranks of the soccer team so that he could earn an athletic scholarship to college. Purely for bragging rights and so that it could lead to him going pro. None of that would happen if word got around on the first day that James Potter was a freak and thought that the rich son and Heir to the Blacks was a _girl_. Because that was supposed to be a bad thing, for some reason. 

"Let's get to class, okay?" Remus asked as he nervously glanced down at his cheap plastic watch. The poor guy was also allergic to certain metals and would break out in rashes and sores if they were in contact with his skin for too long.

"Okay, yeah. Thanks, Moony."

The dirty blond sighed. "James, you know that people are going to ask why you call me that."

"Aw, but it's a fun story!"

"Your future class president doesn't want to be known first and foremost because he took on a dare and mooned the opposing team!"

James laughed loudly and hoped that the topic of how hot he thought Sirius Black was would never come up again.

*****

"Is homeroom supposed to be this crazy?" a cool voice whispered behind James and he glanced back to see a set of stunning platinum eyes. 

It threw him off especially when his barely functioning neurons informed him that those pale grey eyes belonged to none other than the object of his affection.

"Er, oh, uh...."

Sirius' dark eyebrows shot up and he grinned a little wider. 

"Hey, you're the Potter boy! Did you get kicked out of prep school too?"

James looked over helplessly at the front of the room where Remus and Lily were trying not to die of embarrassment as their teacher Ms. Trelawny was trying to get them to do an interpretive dance about their summer break. He glanced back at Sirius and shrugged.

"Actually, no. I've been in public school my whole life. And I wouldn't know anything about High School homerooms since this is my first one."

"Oh no," Sirius snickered, "she's coming over here."

"James and Sirius," Ms. Trelawny greeted with a dreamy voice. "Your auras are very compatible and the energy around you both vibrate with good fortune." A few students around them laughed and James knew that it was because their "rich kid" statuses had already spread. "Come, both of you to the front of the room. Let us dive into the depths of our cosmic connections!"

"Good luck," Remus whispered as he rushed past James and into his seat.

The teacher proceeded to have the two of them attempt to read each other's mind to answer questions about their summer break and it had gotten a good laugh out of everyone. Surprisingly, James didn't feel awkward around Sirius beyond that initial greeting and he found that he rather liked Sirius a lot. As a friend. They only had a few classes together, but James was ecstatic when Sirius offered to try out for the soccer team with him.

"I've never played," Sirius explained as he munched on his lunch of cavier and crackers. James was even more thankful for his usual slice of greasy pizza. "But heck, why not? New school, new year...time to try new shit, right?"

"Absolutely!" James agreed. "And you look pretty athletic so you should at least get on the JV team. I'm really hoping for Varsity, but honestly my last school wasn't that great and I probably have a lot to learn."

"If you don't make it on the team, you can join me on the bleachers," Remus offered. "There's always plenty of space because soccer teams never get big crowds. Even the girls' volleyball team gets more attention!"

"Well, duh!" James laughed. "Those girls are doing that shit in their panties!" 

They all had a good laugh about that until Lily came over and smacked them upside the head with her notebook. James peeked over at Sirius as he fended off the blows from Lily and felt his heart leap at the openly fond expression. He thought that maybe Sirius liked him a bit too. They were going to be the best of friends.


	2. Chapter One

"You...are...the worst," Sirius panted as they jogged up towards the school parking lot.

"And you..." James panted back, "are a...whiny bitch..."

Sirius groaned as he dramatically threw himself onto the grass besides the bleachers and just gasped for breath. "I hate...hate...hate...running."

"You picked...the wrong sport...to play...fucktard." James shot back before collapsing down next to him. 

"I'm only playing because of you!" Sirius shot back before weakly kicking at his friend. "Asshole."

James wiped a hand over his sweaty face and tried to enjoy the cool morning breeze. Euphemia had been more than happy to drop her boys off to early morning practices that James would put together but now that they had their licenses he had been inspired to go even earlier in the mornings. The mist was still out sometimes and the silence of the empty school yard was refreshing and a soothing way to start the days before the chaos of classes. They were going to be choosing a team captain this week and he was hoping that now that he was a Junior he had a shot at it. 

Rubbing at Sirius' calf absentmindedly, James wondered if he could convince his teammates to start joining in on the morning practices with him and Sirius and if he even wanted them to. He liked having the extra time to hang out and just be chill with each other. Sirius was definitely a different person when it was just the two of them - more relaxed and casual - and he didn't really want to lose that time. But he was also desperate for their team to get good enough to qualify for more than just the Regionals. He wanted to compete at the State level and even up to the National. It would be impossible without a lot more work. 

His chest was aching less from the run and he thought back to the practice regiment that he had been working on all summer long. Coach Minerva was new this year but from what he could dig up she seemed to be pretty competent and he hoped she would be open to his input. There were so few female coaches in the soccer world, especially at the high school level, and he was eager to see what the team could accomplish with someone like that. A woman not afraid to challenge the norm and not afraid of a bunch of dumb high school boys. 

"Wanna hit the showers?" he asked Sirius and was surprised when his friend jerked under his hand and pulled away. 

Sirius stood up and faced away from him and towards the field. "I...I think I'm going to do another couple of laps. You can get started without me."

James reached out to touch him but paused and felt his face heat up. Maybe Sirius was taking the request weirdly? Did he ask it in a weird tone? Sirius always claimed the private shower in the locker room and he had always assumed it had to do with the prudish Black family values so he hadn't meant to imply something that would make his friend uncomfortable. But at the same time, how many times had he asked Sirius to hit the showers before and never got that response?

"I'm sorry," he blurted out before Sirius could take off. "I didn't mean anything hurtful by it. Besides that you fucking stink." 

A snort of amusement sent relief through him. At least Sirius accepted his poor offering of humor to lighten up the situation. 

"Well you smell like shit too," Sirius shot over his shoulder with an elegantly raised eyebrow. "I need to get some fresh air before getting into an enclosed space with you."

"Ugh, fuck you!" he replied as he stood to his feet. "I smell a-fucking'-mazing."

Sirius just laughed and took off running while James stood for a few seconds longer just watching him go. His chest ached for a different reason now and he glanced down in embarrassment. He'd best be off for that shower and make it a cold one.

*****

Crickets and cicadas chirped and sang loudly as the sun set and James squeezed Sirius closer to his chest, the tears spilling past his eyes at the sounds coming from the other boy. He had known that things between Sirius and his parents hadn't ever been _good_ per se, but this was so much worse than he had ever thought. Those pale fingers were clutched tightly into his shirt and the sobs issuing from deep inside of Sirius were absolutely heart-breaking. James had never even known that a pain could go so far down into a person's soul and he absolutely hated that it was Sirius who was dealing with it. 

The older boy was all long limbs and James had to situation those legs around his waist and those arms his neck so that he could haul him up and carry him into the house. Oh how he wished there was a different reason for them to be so wrapped around each other! To be able to hold Sirius like this in passion and not in fear and grief. He'd have to grab those bags from the driveway later or maybe even have his dad get them. Sirius continued to cry into the crook of his neck even as he maneuvered them into the house. The Potter parents were off on a date and wouldn't be back for at least another thirty minutes so he struggled up to the bedroom alone. Half of his brain was pissed off that his bedroom was up the fucking stairs while the other half of his brain was glad that he had been upping his weightlifting regiment for a couple of months. 

"Sirius, I'm going to need to check the wounds, okay?

He tried to set the older boy down on his bed and struggled as Sirius refused to loosen his grip. 

"D-don't," Sirius choked out before burying his face even more firmly against James' neck. 

Twisting so that he was sitting on the edge of his bed and keeping Sirius in his lap, James gave himself a moment to catch his breath and took that time to loosen Sirius' hair and run his fingers through it as best as he could. The flattened curls looked like they hadn't been tended to in a couple of days and there were plenty of knots and snarls. 

"I know that you don't want anyone to see them, but I need to make sure that nothing's broken. And I've got that cream stuff for bruises plus I'll need to bandage up the cuts." 

The sobs started up again so he helplessly stroked the back as softly as possible and rocked Sirius gently. It took another 15 minutes of soothing before he was calm enough to get to the wound tending. Sirius' cheeks were already red and splotchy from crying but he turned even more pink when he shucked his shirt off so that James could take care of the bruises. His arms crossed tightly over his chest and he hunched forward as if he was too embarrassed to let James see his nipples or something. In doctor mode, James really didn't care so long as he got all of the injuries taken care of. 

The right set of ribs were deeply purple and black and James bit his lip harshly to keep the cries of dismay from slipping out. Why would anyone want to hurt his sweet and beautiful friend like that? How could anyone blessed enough to be in Sirius' presence turn around and _beat_ him? Sure, he was a pain in the ass most of the time and had a mean streak, but Sirius was so much more than that. He was mostly kind and thoughtful, loved poetry, had deep thoughts about life, was loyal to all of his friends, and never gave up. How could people who claimed to be family not see that? 

Sirius was just as embarrassed to pull down his jeans so that James could tend to the bloody welts across the backside of his thighs and James did his very best to respect his friend's privacy around his body. Having been shameless since childhood, James couldn't really understand the shyness but he sure as hell wasn't going to make fun of his friend for it. Especially today. He bandaged up the purple and black fingers and made a note to get a doctor to look at those to make sure nothing was broken in those small bones. 

"I'm going to go downstairs and bring your bags up here, okay?" he finally muttered as he wiped his hands off on his jeans and pulled out one last bandage for Sirius' cheek where it looked like a ring had torn the skin. After smoothing it down gently he pressed a kiss over it. "Do you need anything else right now? Mom and Dad will be cool with you staying here for as long as you want to."

"James," the raw voice whispered and the teen leaned back to get a proper look into those beautiful eyes. 

The intense look shocked him and James felt his mouth go dry. Those eyes were so wide and desperate and he couldn't help but glance down at those pink lips opened so invitingly. Desire rolled through him and James had never wanted anything so badly as he wanted to kiss Sirius breathless right then and there. It would be so easy, just lean forward a couple of inches and pour two years of secret pining into that heated kiss. He put up a shaky hand to Sirius' unmarred check and he watched the palest of blushes color those cheeks behind the streaks and blotches. Maybe Sirius wanted this too?

Taking a deep breath he stepped back and offered a shaky smile. "I'll get those bags," he offered before rushing down the stairs and berating himself for almost taking advantage of his emotionally distraught friend. Even if there was a chance that Sirius might like him back, doing anything when he was in this state wasn't a good idea. Thankfully he ran into his parents in the driveway and had to push his internal freak-out off to the side for another time.

*****

Another cheer went up from the parents as the team was boarding the bus and James couldn't help but pump his fist and whoop along with his teammates. They had just cinched themselves a spot in the Regional tournament tonight and James knew that he was going to be flying high for a while. His legs felt like a pile of Jell-o but he forced them to march up those bus steps with pride and excitement. All of the other guys were chattering excitedly and waving at their parents so James wrapped an arm around the still sweaty Sirius and led him into their usual seats towards the back. The volleyball girls were already on the bus and had the decency to applaud the boys even though their own game had ended poorly. Lily offered a high five to the boys and a wink to James. He patted her shoulder and then enjoyed collapsing into the window seat next to his favorite person. 

Fleamont and Euphemia had taken time off of work today to drive out and see the match so he waved to them from the window and blew kisses. Both of them waved back frantically and Sirius chuckled as he leaned against James and blew some kisses to them as well. Euphemia made a heart with her hands and James pinched Sirius' side in pseudo-jealousy. 

"I can't believe my Mom still loves you better," he complained loudly.

"Why not?" Sirius laughed as he pinched back. "I'm obviously the better choice."

They continued play fighting and messing around with the other boys until after dinner when things settled down for the long drive home. McGonnagal was up at the front chatting away with the driver, Athletic Director Hooch, and James watched as the other boys and girls slowly drifted off. Lights were flicked off and the chattering died down. Frank was leaning over a seat and quietly talking with his girl Alice, Lily was going over Chemistry homework with Marlene, and Sirius was playing a game on his phone. 

"Are you feeding your pets again?" he yawned as he peeked over at the glowing screen.

Sirius nodded. "Fuck yeah. Gotta keep the babies happy."

James pulled out his phone and opened the game, smiling fondly at the soft watercolor graphics and the happy little tune that played as he woke up his lazy avatar and got that farmer to work. Sirius' avatar offered a wave and sent a heart his way and James chuckled as he sent a heart back. They had started this game back when Sirius moved in with the Potters as its sheer cuteness had really amused and entertained Sirius. He loved tending to the little watercolor animals and collecting all the cats and dogs that he could. Sirius was even now the proud owner of a herd of baby sheep and a herd of pink cows. James tended to focus more on growing his crops than taking care of animals and that suited Sirius just as well because he was always sending wood and produce to Sirius in exchange for the wool and animal goods. 

"When are you going to get the rainbow sheep?" James asked as he made his avatar collect all the wood from the nearby forest. "I want some of that wool."

"I've got to level up my shepherding skills to 10 first," Sirius mumbled. "And you still owe me some new furniture so I'm not giving you shit until I get that."

"Ugh, so bossy."

James looked up to see most everybody sound asleep except for Lily and Marlene who were still studying. There was a test tomorrow.

"Hey, send me wood. I need to build a better fence."

"Sirius?" he asked softly, feeling his stomach cramp in anxiety. 

With the soft music playing in the background and their avatars bouncing happily next to each other, James just felt like he couldn't keep it in anymore. He wanted to be free to send hearts to Sirius in real life too, not just in a game. He wanted to hold hands, write sappy love notes, and kiss. If Sirius didn't want that then he would step back and accept that. He couldn't lose this friendship. And yet, he couldn't keep hiding these feelings. 

"Hmm?" Those grey eyes were still firmly set on the glowing screen. 

The notification trilled letting James know that Sirius sent him another heart.

"Can I...ask you something?" His hands were shaking and he set the phone on his sore lap. He was going to need to bathe in that essential oil blend his mother whipped up for his muscle recovery.

Now Sirius was looking up at him in surprise and James wasn't so sure that he could actually get this out without being a total dolt. 

"Of course, James," Sirius replied in concern. "You can ask me anything."

Forcing himself to look out the dark window for a moment to gather his courage, James decided that being blunt and to the point was his best option. If the rejection came he would take it gracefully and they could continue playing the game. He could cry in his bed later. If there was no rejection then...

He turned and stared straight into those worried eyes. "Sirius, I like you a lot. The kind of like that makes me want to kiss you and hold your hand and just spend every hour of the day with you. What do you think?"

Sirius' mouth dropped in surprise and his eyebrows shot up higher than James had ever seen before.

"What?"

"If you aren't interested, that's okay," he forced himself to reassure the other boy. "I love you as a friend too and would never want to jeopardize that."

Sirius gaped like a water-less fish for a few seconds and James struggled to keep a perfectly calm expression. He needed to give Sirius time to consider the question without jumping to conclusions, but it was agony. Gut rending, heart-pounding agony. 

"You're not joking?" Sirius finally whispered.

"Not even a little bit," James choked out. "I really _really_ like you." Sirius looked around nervously before biting his lip and staring back at James and nodded very slowly. All the church bells were going off in James' head but he needed to hear it from Sirius and make sure that there was absolutely no room for misunderstanding in this. "You like me too?"

The pink blush that painted those still pale cheeks made James' heart leap into his throat. 

"Y-yeah. I really like you too, James. I just...didn't think that you liked me. That way, I mean."

"I do," he breathed out in relief. "Fuck, I have for a long time. Can I...er, can I kiss you?"

They both instinctively looked around again to make sure that no one was watching them or listening in on their conversation before turning back to each other. Sirius shut off his phone's screen and James followed suit to drown them in the near complete darkness. Only the glow from the lights above Lily and Marlene allowed them to barely see each other. Sirius took a deep breath and leaned forward slowly. His eyes were firmly fixed on James' and the golden light gave them a honeyed glow. James leaned forward and as much as he wanted to keep staring into those eyes he felt his slide shut. There was a pause as he continued to lean forward blindly, hoping that Sirius wouldn't chicken out and leave him hanging, and then the softest contact of lips. 

He took in a shuddering breath as the shock of the contact raced through his nervous system before leaning forward and pressing his lips a little more insistently. It wasn't like he knew what he was doing, but he knew that his heart was now pounding hard enough to rock his body and that he could taste the sticky sweetness of vanilla custard from dinner on those lips. Both of his hands came up of their own volition and cupped that beautiful face as he opened his lips carefully and allowed them to caress Sirius' with more insistence. Sirius gasped softly and James wanted to bottle that sound up to keep for eternity. He whimpered as those hands buried into his crazy mop of hair and James wondered if there was anything that could ever compare to this feeling. 

They pulled apart softly with a clicking sound and James noticed that his glasses were a bit skewed but he couldn't care less. Sirius looked stunned and _stunning_ , his lips shiny with spit and slightly puffy. His cheeks were painted with a deeper rouge hue and his cheeks were still being cradled lovingly. 

Love. 

_"Oh,"_ James thought to himself. _"That's what this is."_

Sirius looked down at his lips and James felt a bit dizzy. 

"Do you wanna...do it again?" he whispered shyly and James nodded eagerly. 

There was less hesitancy in the next kiss and the one after that, but they were careful to keep quiet. It was at least another hour before they would make it back to the school and James was sure that he couldn't be bothered to do anything but kiss his boyfriend's lips.

*****

"Wow, guys," Remus muttered as he looked around the hotel lobby. "I can't believe we're here."

Sirius threw a friendly arm around the shorter boy and squeezed. "We're happy that you could come with us this time, bro. It's not the same, playing without our number one fan."

James grinned and pushed his glasses up with the back of his hand so that he didn't have to let go of any of his bags. 

"Yeah, we need those posters to cheer us to the finals!"

"You guys are ridiculous," he laughed before stepping up towards the Coach to get his room key. 

As an honorary member of the team he got to room with them and even had a food allowance offered by the school. If James hadn't already admired Coach McGonnegal before, her thoughtfulness in regards to Remus solidified it. James would walk over broken glass with his bare feet for that woman. 

"Remmy, you're with us!" Fabian crowed excitedly. 

Gideon and Benjy threw the thumbs up and clamored to help with Remus' bags. He rolled his eyes, but James knew that he was grateful for the help. Their rooms were all located on the fifth floor. As the other teammates chattered excitedly and sorted themselves out, Sirius hopped over to Fleamont to claim his and James' keys. Fleamont and Euphemia had insisted on coming along for this tournament and they were more than happy to let their boys share a room with them. The two boys had insisted that guaranteed room service was the only reason they agreed to stay with their parents, but the truth was a little more selfish. Sharing glances and blushing, James was hoping that they would have a little more privacy to be with each other. They could make out in the bathroom after Fleamont and Euphemia went to sleep and wouldn't have to worry about being made fun of for snuggling closely together when they slept. The Potter parents thought it was endearing. 

The hallway to their rooms had the gloriously musty smell of an old hotel and the garish carpet to match, and James couldn't be more ecstatic. This just made everything so much more real! All the long hours training, encouraging his team, meeting with the coach and teachers, watching tapes and taking notes, all those hours doing homework in the car before practice or on the bleachers afterwards, those strict study schedules he knew he had to keep up with or his grades would fall...this was what it was all for. This was his first real step towards his dream of being a professional soccer player. Him and Sirius, side by side forever. When they graduated they could still keep rooming together, but they wouldn't need his parents to tag along anymore. 

Swallowing thickly, James chanced a look at his beautiful boyfriend as Sirius excitedly bounced around the room. After they graduated, there were more things that they could do together - more intimate things. He blushed just thinking about everything he already wanted to do with Sirius, lines that he wanted to cross and firsts he wanted to take. It was more though, and James wasn't sure if he should even be admitting such things to himself right now. Firsts with Sirius weren't enough; he wanted to be the first and last, to be the one and only for Sirius. Only 16 years old and absolutely certain that he would love no one else the way that he loved his Sirius. 

This was nothing like the crushes he had on Lily or Alice or even the unacknowledged crushes on Gideon and Caradoc. The blazing desire for this person happily tossing his clothes into the drawers was overwhelming and he relished in it. He wanted to burn to ash in this love and adoration and would never regret a moment of it. He knew that others would say, "What do you know of love? You're only a kid!" But he knew the ache in his heart, the pull of those lips, the electricity under those fingers. His whole fucking soul had been branded by the love for Sirius and those marks would never go away.

"Get over here you lazy fuck!" Sirius teased with a wink. "I'm not going to unpack your bags for you."

"Mind your language," Euphemia reminded him sweetly, not nearly as bothered as she pretended to be. 

"Yes, Mum," that brown-noser replied sweetly and James rolled his eyes.

"Are you boys going to come out to dinner with us or stay in with the boys?" Fleamont asked as he hung up his clothes. "I heard the Coach say something about them all getting pizza delivered down in the communal dining area."

The boys shot each other a quick glance before James replied as casually as possible. "I think we'll stick around here tonight. You and Mom should definitely have a date night out on the town, make good use of this trip before getting stuck in the rain and frigid wind watching our matches."

Euphemia giggled and pressed kisses to her son's cheeks before squeezing them fondly. "How did we ever end up so lucky to have a boy like you! Fleamont, what other child do you know enjoys seeing their parents go on dates and have a good time?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I do, Mum! Sheesh, already forgetting about me."

"Oh, you're an angel," she amended before smothering his cheeks in kisses too. "Absolute perfection. Never does anything wrong."

"Hey!" James protested. "Favorite child over here feeling a bit neglected!"

"Boys, don't steal your mother's attention from me," Fleamont chided before sweeping behind the portly woman and smothering her cheeks with loud kisses. 

"Ah, what a lucky woman I am," she laughed happily, pulling all of her boys into her arms. "To be loved by so many good looking men."

"It's because you're the best," James offered.

"Okay, okay," Fleamont laughed as he pushed his sons off his beautiful wife. "Effie and I are going to head out and enjoy the evening. There's a tab open on our account if you want to order in some desert from room service."

"Thanks, Dad!" James cheered. Sirius just sat back on the bed and grinned widely. 

In less than an hour the two adults were dressed and off for a night on the town. The door clicked shut and James turned to stare hungrily at his boyfriend. Sirius blushed and sat back a little further in the bed to leave some space for James. Grinning, James jumped on the bed and tackled Sirius down against the mattress, his hands tickling mercilessly at the bony ribs. Sirius squealed and tried to buck James off before falling into a fit of giggles. James tossed his glasses to the side, glad that at this close distance he could still see Sirius well enough. He wanted to see those glistening tears of laughter, those red cheeks, and those annoyingly perfect teeth. All things that were so Sirius.

"S-stop," Sirius giggled and James immediately soothed his hands over the heaving sides.

"Man, I just want to kiss your fucking lips forever," he breathed out excitedly. "I just want to...ngh, I just want to do everything with you."

Sirius stared up at him adoringly and James felt the stirring in his groin that had become more and more of an issue lately. 

"I want you to," Sirius replied coyly, fluttering his long lashes temptingly. "Kiss me, James."

Their lips crashed together messily and James didn't bother to lower the volume of his moans. Sirius moaned huskily under him and it only lit the fire in his blood even more. He dragged his hands down to squeeze that plump ass and was rewarded with a delightful moan and arched back. It didn't take much at all to get Sirius going and the brown-skinned boy swallowed those reactions up greedily. It should have been embarrassing how quickly he had become addicted, but James couldn't be bothered when he knew that Sirius was his forever. 

Hands tugged on his hair lustily and they tangled together on the bed, rumpling the sheets shamelessly. The temperature seemed to jump a hundred degrees and James whimpered with the desire to just take off all their clothes and...and...do whatever sex meant for two guys. Oh fuck, what did that even entail? Did that have to mean anal? Were you supposed to do something to prepare for that? Sirius moaned lewdly as James ground his crotch against the boy under him and then his whole body stiffened and the mood changed immediately.

"W-what?" James panted as he pulled away anxiously. "Did I hurt y-you?" 

Oh fuck, he looked absolutely debauched and it took a great deal of self control to not just push forward and claim those lips again. 

Sirius hunched his shoulders and a shaky hand tucked some hair behind his ear delicately. "No, uh, no it's not that, uh, I-"

The sound of the door clicking open shocked both boys and they barely had enough time to scramble away from each other before James got his feet tangled in the sheets and fell onto the floor. Fleamont looked over at them from around the corner that the bathroom took up.

"James? Sirius?"

"D-dad!" James squeaked in horror. 

The elderly man stared at the two boys in confusion. "I needed to grab your mom's other coat," he stated slowly, his large greyed eyebrows scrunching. Sirius looked down guiltily and James couldn't think of anything to say that would be a decent excuse for their flustered and disheveled states. "What are you boys getting up to?" he asked sternly.

Sirius seemed to crumple in on himself and James felt his protectiveness flare up.

"We were making out," he replied firmly, hoping that he was staring directly into his dad's eyes. It was a bit hard to tell with how fuzzy things were at that distance. "He's my boyfriend."

The gasp of shock came from Sirius and James wondered what exact expression was on his dad's face.

"Are you boys having sex?" came the follow-up question and both of the boys blushed brightly. 

"No!"

"Good," Fleamont replied. "None of that until we've got the sex talk with the two of you. It's important to be safe with things like that. I'll be sure to get the appropriate materials so that you two know what you're doing."

"Uh, okay," James stammered. Was that it?

"I want you two to promise me," Fleamont insisted. "Absolutely no sex until we talk about it at home. Nothing past kissing."

"Yes, sir," James squeaked.

"Sirius?"

"Y-yes, sir," Sirius whispered. 

From his spot on the floor James couldn't see Sirius' expression and he felt sick to his stomach. Why did Sirius sound so sad?

"Okay. Don't forget to order room service."

With that, the older man grabbed the needed coat and disappeared without another word. Silence hung in the air and James tried to properly absorb what had just happened. His dad wasn't upset? He was totally chill? Except for the whole sex-talk thing. But considering his clueless line of thought in the middle of their make-out session minutes ago, James supposed that a sex talk was probably a great idea. As embarrassing a topic as it was, his dad had always been an excellent teacher and would probably make sure that the two of them knew the proper ins and outs. 

"Well, that was strange," he finally settled on. When Sirius didn't respond, he began to get worried again. "Sirius? Are you okay?" Hearing a muffled sniffle, James jumped to his feet and hopped onto the bed next to his boyfriend who he could now see was trying to smother his crying in his hands. "W-what's the matter?"

Silver eyes rimmed in red looked into his own before the young man blurted out the most shocking and outrageous thing James had ever heard.

"I don't want to be your boyfriend!"

James reeled back as if he had been slapped across the face.

"What?" 

Weren't they happy just a few minutes ago? Wasn't Sirius giving him those bedroom eyes and asking for kisses? 

"I d-don't want to be your fucking boyfriend," Sirius sobbed, the tears rolling down heavily and his hands shaking. 

Immediately afterwards he became incoherent with the sobs and James just didn't know what to do. Was Sirius breaking up with him? Because their dad walked in? Did he not want James to out them? But it had been so obvious! He couldn't outright lie to his dad! 

"I'm sorry," he whispered feeling warmth welling up in his own eyes and spilling down his cheeks. "I'll...um, I'll just give you some space. I guess."

Smoothing down his shirt, James stumbled back and made his way to the door. He got to the lobby before realizing that everything was blurry not just because of the tears but because he had forgotten his glasses. Settling down in one of the chairs by the large window, James cried silently and tried to replay the past couple of years to see where things went wrong. Had it been something from before tonight? 

Still in a bit of a daze he made his way to the front desk and ordered a decadent cheesecake to be sent up to the room along with a bottle of Smart Water. Sirius would need the hydration and electrolytes after crying so much plus cheesecake was his favorite. That accomplished, James went back to the chair by the window and resumed his blurry study of the landscape beyond. He could hear the voices of his teammates just down the ways in the dining area, loudly cajoling each other and having a grand ol' time. Another team in the tournament was apparently roomed at this hotel too, and it sounded like they were partaking in the fun and games. None of that seemed to penetrate the fog of hurt that surrounded his mind. For the first time this season he couldn't be bothered to think of soccer at all. No stats, strategies, or even dreams of the future. 

And for the first time since he met Sirius he wondered if maybe he was supposed to be going on without his best friend and the love of his young life. It hurt more than anything else had hurt.

"James?" came a laughing voice that sobered up immediately. "Are you crying?!"

"Hey, Moony," he mumbled as he wiped at his eyes weakly. "Just dry eyes."

The other teen sat down carefully beside the team captain. "You don't look so good, James," he stated quietly. "Where's Sirius? Did you guys get into a fight?"

Staring at his feet, he wasn't so sure how to answer that. "I don't know, Moony. I really don't fucking know."

"Is there anything I can do to help?"

Feeling exhausted, James leaned his head against Remus' shoulder and closed his burning eyes. "Stay with me for a bit, okay?"

Getting comfortable, Remus stared out into the darkness with James and did his best to relax in the silence. 

*****

The cheers were deafening and screams of advice and input came from every side. Sweat and drizzle ran down his face and James wiped uselessly at it as he stared at the scoreboard. Coach was saying something but he just couldn't seem to get his brain to focus. They were a goal down and entering the last few minutes of the match. It had been a dismal game so far, one of their worst performances, and James knew that it was his fault. He was the Captain, the leader, and everyone on the team took their cues from him. And today he was a disaster. Sirius had slept on the pull-out couch last night and it had broken his heart. They hadn't really had a chance to talk either and from the way Sirius had been avoiding eye contact all day he assumed that even given the chance there wouldn't have been anything to say. 

They were going to lose this game and be knocked out of the tournament and for what? Because he couldn't stand giving Sirius some space? Because he didn't want to think about a future without Sirius at his side? Because he was absolutely fucking selfish? He leaned over the bench and vomited into the grass, his head spinning and his gut clenched. Fuck, he'd give all this up a hundred times just to make things good between them again. To take back those tears and never let them fall again. To see Sirius laughing and happy again. 

"You need to sit out, Potter," he heard the coach say but he shook his head.

"Got it out of my system, Coach," he replied shakily. "Just nerves."

She gave him a stern look and then nodded. He pinched the bridge of his nose knowing that he should be saying something to the team, something that would inspire them to give it their all but nothing came to mind. Instead, he just placed his hand out for the customary chant and they all sounded off. The ground was already slick and even his cleats were having a difficult time getting a decent grip. There wasn't much that they could do at this point for that last point to tie the game and 20 more minutes in overtime probably wouldn't help them win. 

A hand pressed against his back and James felt like he would start crying again. 

"C'mon James, I know we can win this," Sirius whispered hotly against his ear. "You're the best forward in the league and you can score on these bastards."

There wasn't much time and they weren't even in proper positions but James turned and pulled him close so they were cheek-to-cheek. "I can't fucking focus with you ignoring me like this. If you're going to break up with me then fucking do it!" His words were harshly hissed against that skin that he only wanted to kiss. "I don't want to lose you like this and I know it's not the time-"

The whistle blew and James really wanted to lose his shit right there and tell everyone to fuck the hell off and leave them alone.

"I'm not breaking up with you," Sirius hissed back. "We've got to talk but after the game."

The ball was already in play and James raced across the field with a renewed vigor. Sirius didn't want to break up with him. Fuck it, they needed to win this match! But afterwards they could talk! Fuck, maybe they could even kiss again, oh fuck, he wanted to kiss him so badly and just tell him how much he loved him. But they had to win the mother fucking match! 

Everything seemed to fade away beyond the feet and the muddy ball. James was absolutely wild and played his whole heart out. The whole team seemed to pick up on the change immediately and like a flipped coin they were showing a different face to the bewildered opposing team. Seconds that they couldn't spare ticked by and James stretched out every strand of muscle and effort. The shrill screech of a whistle tore through his awareness and James was suddenly being hugged by a multitude of arms and lifted off his feet. The sounds of screams came next and cheers. His glasses were too fogged up to properly make out faces in the stands but he could tell they were happy. 

The team had squeaked by with a one point lead, and Sirius was going to talk to him again. 

*****

It was cold outside still, and damp, but James would risk a cold a thousand times over just to be spending time with Sirius. They were hanging out in the back patio with their hoodies on, enjoying the evening darkness that allowed them enough privacy to hold hands and talk. 

"It's something that I've been...I mean I want to talk about it, obviously, but...you know that I like you, right?"

James wiped at his glasses and wondered if he should seriously consider getting contacts. 

"Well, I thought I knew that, but fuck Sirius, you really made me sick with worry after last night. I thought...I mean, I guess you...I think that I hurt you and I hate that, but I don't know what I did."

Sirius shifted uncomfortably against the brick wall behind him and seemed to be having a hard time deciding if he wanted to scoot closer to the warmth of James or further away. 

"I like you James, like so fucking much. And that's why I didn't want to say anything. Because...I don't know what I'd do if you...didn't want to be with me anymore."

If James thought he was confused last night then he was completely lost tonight. 

"But...why would you even think that?" he asked incredulously. "I fucking lo-, uh, I mean I like you. A fucking lot. Why wouldn't I want to be with you? That's all I want to do! Spend every damn second with you."

The grip on his hand was tight enough that James was afraid he might lose blood flow. 

"Okay, I'm just going to say it, okay?"

"Okay."

"Fuck," Sirius hissed as he looked away and then turned his body to face James head on. "Look, I don't want to be your boyfriend because I want to be your...g-girlfriend."

Immediately he started crying again and James just stared at him in confusion. 

"What are you...c'mon, shit, don't cry." He pulled Sirius into a hug and patted the shuddering back. 

"W-what I'm trying t-to say is, you know, that...I'm a girl. I th-think I'm a girl." Those grey eyes were begging James to understand. "I mean, I _am_ a girl. I know it."

Dark hands cupped Sirius' cheeks and he stared intently into the face of his best friend.

"You're a girl," he stated softly and almost with a questioning lilt at the end as if he was seeking confirmation.

"Yes," Sirius breathed out desperately. "I am, James. I know that my body isn't exactly saying that, but...but I know that I am."

"So, last night...I really hurt you by telling Dad that you were my boyfriend?"

A shaking hand wiped at _her_ eyes and James felt a contented blanket of rightness settle down on him. She was still trembling.

"It was...well, I can get dysphoric, about my body and we got, well, maybe a bit further than I was comfortable with and it got me all worked up and then I just couldn't stand it when you...when you misgendered me. B-but that wasn't your fault! I mean, you didn't even know-"

"I knew," James interrupted and her mouth snapped shut in surprise. This time it was his turn to blush and stammer a bit. "I mean, j-just ask Remus," he chuckled as he scratched at the back of his head. "I called you a total babe the first time I saw you and had to be told that you weren't a girl. It was jarring for me because I had felt so sure and now...well, now I feel pretty dumb for not just asking you. But I didn't want you to hate me for misgendering you. Funny that, huh? 'Cause that's exactly what I ended up doing."

Sirius eyebrows scrunched up in disbelief. "It's...okay? I mean, that's it?"

He shrugged and pulled her in closer for a side hug. "Well, yeah. I mean, I still like you, you're still my best friend, and I still think that you're an absolute babe. I just won't feel weird about saying it to you now."

They sat quietly in the drizzle for a little while longer and James was glad that his parents were giving them some space tonight. 

"Would you...be bothered if I wanted to dress up a bit sometimes? Or maybe wear a bit of makeup?"

"Of course not," he murmured, resting his head against the wet hood of her hoodie. "Although, do you want to tell Mom and Dad? I obviously want to support you in however you want to come out, but I'd like to correct myself and tell them that you're my girl. And maybe we can take you shopping and stuff. If you want to."

"You don't think they'll be upset with me?"

"Pfft, no. Dude, they love you more than they love me. It's a fact." Sirius began to laugh and James felt proud of himself. He loved her laugh. "C'mon, they're going to be giving us _the talk_ soon and I'd rather them tell us stuff that would be helpful for you too. With the dysphoria and stuff. I don't know anything about that."

"Yeah, that makes sense." They sat in silence for a few more minutes before she spoke up. "Do you...do you wanna kiss?"

Grinning widely, James looked down at his beautiful, brave, and amazing girl. 

"Hell yeah."


	3. Chapter Two

The first time Sirius wore a lacy camisole and soft cotton pajama bottoms with cute kitties on it James was sure that his face was going to explode from the sudden blood rush. She had smiled at him a little nervously and he pulled her onto the couch with him so that they could snuggle properly (and sneak a few kisses) during the family night movie. Euphemia had squealed happily before shoving some popcorn in her mouth and pretending that she wasn't absolutely thrilled. Fleamont had just chuckled at his people's excited responses and offered a supportive wink before starting the film.

The _talk_ had been pushed out to after their final game, wherever they ended in the tournament because the Potter parents wanted their children to focus on the sport as well as time to do some proper research and consultation with a few medical professionals. James didn't mind at all, especially since he now knew that he could trigger bad feelings in Sirius if he wasn't careful. If he could never do anything but kiss those lips and hold her close, James was pretty sure that he'd be just fine.

Getting to the Nationals was something that the school hadn't been prepared for, and local newspapers eagerly reported on the team's continued success and determination. Even when they came home absolutely demolished in the first round of the Nationals, they came back to cheers and confetti and the clicking of cameras. Coach McGonnegal had taken her team further than the school had ever gone before and all the players had represented their community and their school with the highest caliber of sportsmanship. It had been disappointing for James to lose so badly when they finally made it that far, but he tried to focus on the positives and to be thankful for the break his body could take before spring club ball started.

Not having games and practice also meant that he could be spending a lot more time having fun with friends and his girlfriend, so really, it wasn't that big of a loss.

Having had such a good response from the Potter family, Sirius decided to come out to a couple of close friends over the Thanksgiving holiday. Lily and Remus had been very shocked, but immediately supportive. James liked to think that his own casual acceptance of the whole situation helped ease the transitional feelings for everyone involved. Practice leading a team was definitely useful for moments like these. With Lily on board, James began to learn far more about girls and their clothing than he had ever thought he would.

Apparently, bra sizes were supposed to mean something more than randomly assigned numbers and letters.

James learned that he was absolute shit at braiding hair but he could wield a nail polish brush like a pro. He learned that Sirius really loved getting her hands and feet pampered so he bought a foot soaking thing, lotions, cuticle oil, and a whole set of tools for Sirius' Christmas present. He also learned that taping and a lot of tucking was pretty fucking bad on the body so he did his best to encourage Sirius towards gaffs or just straight up girl undergarments. Sirius was still trying to understand what exactly would trigger her dysphoria and why, so he tried to just be patient and lend her a shoulder to cry on when she needed it.

By Christmas break the Potter parents had already found a private family doctor who was willing to treat and work with Sirius to sort through things while they got the necessary legal advise on what could be done as the Blacks were still legally the parents over their daughter. There wasn't much in the way of hormones or surgeries that could be done, but Sirius wasn't even sure if she wanted to get into any of that yet. Her doctor recommended a therapist that could help her sort through the confusion and they were all constantly reminded that this was a process and one that could take years before Sirius was actually comfortable.

Christmas Day was the most wonderful one James could ever remember. Remus got to come over after his family's morning festivities and hang out and insisted that James give his feet the same royal treatment Sirius was getting. The glittery pearl sheen on his toenails ended up posted on his Instagram account and James had several messages from classmates wanting him to do their nails when classes started up again. These messages were sandwiched between all the girls asking him out now that the soccer season was finished. He even got a few racy pictures sent to him as an incentive, but James just rolled his eyes and deleted them.

"James!!!" Sirius called out excitedly from the kitchen before running into the living room. "They're offering a limited edition _reindeer herd_!!!" She was waving her mobile device over her head and he just grinned.

"Yeah? What do you need from me?"

"Um, EVERYTHING."

She hopped down next to him and Remus huffed in annoyance.

"Pipe down, Sirius," he grumbled. " _It's a Wonderful Life_ is on and I'd like to actually finish the damn movie this year."

"Fuck off," Sirius shot back before turning to James. "I've got to build like a big-ass fence to keep them from running off and then bake a million fucking cookies to bribe Santa into giving me the reindeer."

James switched apps over to the game and read through the happy little notification about the limited edition reindeer herd. "Okay, we've got to sprint through this, the challenge ends in three hours."

"What?!" Sirius squeaked. "I didn't-"

"It's right there at the bottom of the notif, you spazz. Okay, Remus you need to download this game."

"What the fuck? I'm trying to watch a movie."

"Get this fucking game on your phone and I'll do the work!" James insisted before throwing his legs across Sirius and kicking Remus in the ribs.

"You can't fucking abuse me into doing you a favor, asshole!"

"This damn movie will be on all day and if you miss it I'll fucking send you the DVD!" James insisted with another light kick. "This challenge is only three hours long and Sirius wants some damn reindeer!"

"I want reindeer!" Sirius demanded snootily before cracking up and giving her man a few kisses on the cheek.

"Ugh, you're so whipped," Remus complained as he pulled out his phone.

"Shut the fuck up and get to work."

By the end of the three hours Sirius was the proud owner of a little herd of digital reindeer and Remus was addicted to a new game.

"Damn it, James send me some of those leaves!" he demanded as his little avatar raced around excitedly. "I need to build a bigger bonfire for my marshmallows!"

"Fucking hell, now I've got two sugar babies to take care of," the dark-skinned teen groaned as he delivered the leaves.

Fleamont and Euphemia stared through the door at the three teenagers and wondered how they had managed to land such a good bunch of kids.

*****

James stared down at his Adidas sandals and sock covered feet. The sun was barely offering any light so early but James had always been an early riser and this morning in particular he didn't even bother to try to sleep in. The grandfather clock down the hall chimed somberly and he could feel it grate on his nerves which was strange because he loved that clock and all its little noises. He knew why he was in a bad mood and he knew that it really wasn't about him at all, but the logic of it didn't help his emotional state.

He stared down at the uniformed shorts, clothing that he had always loved and a uniform that years of dedication had earned. He was in the highest level of club soccer for his age group and there were already scouts making note of him. His parents had been answering emails about him and his plans for college and everyone was expecting him to make waves this season. But for the first time since he started playing soccer way back in elementary school James wasn't sure that he even wanted to play.

There was a soft knock on his door and then it was pushed open to reveal a smiling face in the glow of a single candle tucked into a cinnamon roll.

"Happy birthday to you~" Sirius sang softly as she padded into the room on her ninja feet. "Happy birthday to you~"

James felt the familiar stirring between his thighs as she sidled up next to him in her lounge shorts and bralette. She punctuated the end of the birthday song with a peck to his cheek.

"Thanks, babe," he whispered and bumped their hands lightly.

She seemed to notice his somber mood and immediately sobered up. "What's the matter, James?"

It wasn't her fault and he didn't want her to feel badly at all for anything so he didn't want to talk about what was going on in his head. It was part of the reason he couldn't sleep and he had hoped to sort through all of these feelings before anyone else had gotten up.

"Sorry, just feeling a little off today. I guess 17 feels pretty old on me."

Sirius tilted her head and her lips were curled in an I-don't-really-believe-you smile. "You can tell me if something's bothering you. You know that, right?"

Taking the cinnamon roll in hand and leaning in for a soft kiss, James really didn't want to say anything. He knew that she would only feel badly for him feeling that way and she didn't need to carry that weight.

"I know that I can tell you anything." His eyes remained soft as they took in her beautiful face. "I'm just in a bit of a funk. Don't worry, I'll be over it soon enough and back to my loud and annoying ways."

"You never annoy me," she assured him and he just rolled his eyes.

"You literally told me that I was 'so fucking annoying' last night."

"Well, you were pulling my braids out!"

"I like your hair messy."

"So fucking annoying. I mean-!"

James laughed at her annoyed look and offered her a bite of his breakfast. With a sigh she accepted it and then watched him finish the rest of it in a single bite. That out of the way, James kicked off his sandals and pulled her into the bed with him. Sirius nestled into his side and played with the edge of his shirt, her fingers lightly tracing along the skin and teasing at the trail of hair that led below the waistband. James took a deep breath and just tried to relax into their embrace. It was such a comfortable intimacy and felt completely natural. He still felt like he wanted to be like this with her for forever, and he would just have to grieve the loss of time spent with her on the field in order to gain a happy rest of their lives together.

...but what if this was just the first of many times she would pull away?

What if she liked getting away from him and being with others instead? What if she met another guy in those stands, a guy that she liked better? What if after high school she decided to go to a different university than he did and made all new friends and met even better guys than James could ever hope to be? Someone taller than her, more loving, more patient, less clingy, less annoying...

He pulled her head up against his chest and wondered what she was going to decide for next school year. It was going to be their Senior Year and so far she had been inclined to not rock the boat and deal with the fallout of other people's opinions while she was studying for college entrance exams and trying to graduate with honors. But what if she did come out and others got to see the truth of how beautiful she was? There were boys that would obviously start hitting on her and trying to take her out. No one but Remus and Lily knew that they were even dating and even if that came to light that didn't mean guys would back off and respect him. The thought of guys sending her all their best dick pics infuriated him beyond belief, but what if she liked that? What if she liked the attention? Fuck it all, she'd never even seen _his_ dick and they had played on the same team for three fucking years!

Sirius had her own life and she obviously didn't want it to revolve around soccer. That had always been his thing and now that she was seeing a therapist and growing stronger in her own person it only made sense that she would pull away from him. It wasn't healthy for her to depend on James to guide her life and he didn't want to be the type of guy who owned and controlled every aspect of his woman's life. Selfishly, he wanted to just so that he could keep her close, but he fought that desire back with an aluminum baseball bat because Sirius deserved far more than that. Everyone on the planet deserved more than that, but for him, Sirius especially deserved more.

Fuck, he wanted to give Sirius the whole world. He wanted to pamper her like the queen she was, to pour so much love into her that she would never doubt her worth and never look beyond him for more. He wanted so badly to be with her intimately, to make love day and night, to snuggle on the couch, to take long showers together until the water ran cold. Even the thought of having children with her was immensely appealing! But what did he know? He was a fucking 17 year old with feelings that ran too deep and a selfish streak that would chase off Sirius if she ever realized it.

Burying his face into her fragrant hair, James did his best not to allow the tears or sobs to surface. She didn't need to worry about him right now, not when she was climbing her mountains and conquering her demons. She didn't need this shit, the emotional crap of a little boy getting ready to play his first game without his best friend of three years.

*****

As the school year was drawing to a close, Remus couldn't help but notice the changes in all of his friends. Lily seemed to be glowing more, gaining more confidence in herself and her place in the world. Sirius was smiling with honesty these days, working her way towards self-acceptance and looking at her future with a bright anticipation that had never been there before. But James...Remus was a little concerned for James.

To most everybody else he seemed to be the same steady rock of confidence, competence, and popularity. He flittered through the social circles with ease, claimed an inordinate amount of attention from girls who wanted to date him and boys that wanted to be him. His performance through the intense spring league had been phenomenal, with his focus as sharp as ever and his developing body delivering on the high expectations he demanded. Universities were already courting his family and even a few minor leagues hoping to catch him before he became even more famous. Sirius had been so relieved to not play in the spring season this year that she had already made known her intentions to not play soccer for her Senior Year either. James had smiled and encouraged her, but Remus could see that he was really bothered.

As concerned as he was, Remus wasn't sure that it was his place to say or do anything. James' parents were very involved in his life and obviously had a lot of life experience and advice to offer their son. James also had a good working relationship with Coach McGonnegal and if there was another adult that he trusted as much as his parents, it was her. They were all adults and would definitely know how to help James get over whatever rut he was digging himself into. Maybe this was something that all normal kids went through anyway? They were 17 and getting ready to start their last year of high school, on the brink of becoming adults and living a life with new expectations. James especially had a lot of pressure considering that he was shooting for an athletic scholarship and going pro after that. Being a little tired of everything was probably normal.

Remus could only assume because he was fucking tired all the time. Damn chronic illness. But alas, most kids weren't like him.

It was only after a stint in the hospital that Remus began to wonder if maybe he hadn't made an error in judgment and should have said something much much sooner.

"You're looking for the golden fish thing," Sirius explained as she lounged next to Remus.

The summer was already shaping up to be a miserably hot one and they were both dressed for comfort. Bruises from all the IVs were still clearly visible on Remus' hands and arms but he was too hot to worry about hiding them. And he already knew that none of his friends would care.

"I found the fish, bitch," he mumbled. "It just didn't drop any scales."

"It had to. They always do."

"I've checked my inventory like a thousand times. It's not there. And I can't make that paint without those scales!"

"What do you want me to do?" Sirius groaned in annoyance. "I don't have any extra because I already used my paint!"

"Sirius?"

"What, babe?"

James was standing in the doorway of the living room and watching the two of them with a strangely blank expression.

"I got an invitation to a camp in England. It'll be a month."

"Sweet!" Sirius looked up from the floor and grinned. "You gonna go? Sounds fucking cool."

"I...was thinking about it."

"Niiiice," she cheered before looking down at her phone again. "Is Mum going to go with you? You need a chaperone, right?"

Remus looked up and saw a strange look on James' face.

"It doesn't even fucking matter," James bit out.

Sirius jerked her head up in shock and watched as James walked off. Her pale eyes looked over at Remus and just blinked in confusion. "What the...fuck?"

"Should you go after him or something?" Remus muttered in concern.

"Is he...did I say something stupid?"

"Didn't sound stupid at all to me."

Sirius bit her lip and shut off her game before getting up to her feet. "I'll see what's up."

The sound of the front door slamming made both of them jump and Sirius rushed to the window where Remus saw her gaping incredulously.

"What?" he asked nervously.

"James just...he just drove off," Sirius muttered. "What did I say?"

"Have you two been fighting?"

"No!" Sirius protested, her eyebrows raised in shock. "We haven't had a fight since that shitty thing about who was going to get the last bit of ice cream out of the carton! But that...that wasn't like a real _fight_ or anything. Just fucking around like we always do."

"I've never seen him like that," Remus breathed out. "Did something happen with your guys' parents?"

"No, I don't think so. Should I call them?" She tugged on the hem of her shorts anxiously.

"Um, maybe we should," Remus agreed. While he was usually the wait-and-see kind of guy, James acting like that was on par with an emergency.

"Okay, I'll call Mum right now." Sirius took a step towards her phone and then paused to take a few shaky breathes. "Um, Remus? Has he...has he said anything about me? Like...maybe he's getting tired of my shit?"

Having never heard James say a negative thing about Sirius, Remus shook his head quickly. "No, nothing. He fucking adores you."

"Okay. Okay, I should call."

*****

It was stupid, completely and utterly stupid, but James just couldn't seem to get through this. He knew that his parents were worried and that Sirius was freaking out, but he couldn't make himself call her up or even talk about it with anyone. It was better this way. Even if the messages she was sending him through every medium she could were breaking his heart. Better that she finds someone else now and started to move on than wait another year for him to grow even more attached. It was already killing him now and he didn't want to imagine what another year of being in love with Sirius would do to him.

His mother's cousins were so gracious to take him in for the summer while he attended soccer camp and made connections with teams and schools around the country. He had used his dad's information and bought a plane ticket to England the minute after he snapped at Sirius and had set up a place to stay as he drove to the airport. His dad had been pretty shocked by the sudden request to leave the country and he had tried to find out what was going on but James just bulldozed through and told his dad that he was going to go to England whether or not he had a place to stay. Never having dealt with his son behaving in such a manner, Fleamont had settled for making the connections and letting James go.

He hadn't even brought a bag or anything when he got on the flight, and had to buy brand new everything when he got there. James hated shopping, and even more so when he kept seeing things that he wanted to get for Sirius. A shimmery pen that would be perfect for her study sessions at home. Those bujo pens and stickers that stressed him out but made her happy. A lacey top that would be fun for lounging around the pool. Fuzzy socks that would be perfect to tuck her cute feet in after rubbing them in lotion.

How fucking lame could he be to miss rubbing her damn feet?

Knowing no other way to wipe all thoughts out of his head, James dove head first into any and everything soccer. He took online coaching classes, got a couple of sports medicine certifications, re-worked his entire training regiment, practiced for as many hours as he could get away with and not sustain injury. He sent emails out to coaches asking for input and advice, recorded introduction to soccer/football videos to help children in the younger leagues learn proper techniques and strategies, and even started working on a series of videos and emails that he could send out to the team closer to the school year to help them get back into proper shape so that they could start the season strong.

Then camp hit and he attacked that with 100% focus and dedication, drilling on his weaknesses and developing a better field of vision during the matches. It was grueling and exhausting and James wondered why the sweet old lady that was his mother's cousin bothered to keep driving him around to all of these things as she didn't speak a word of English and he didn't bother to practice his Hindi with her. Although, if he ran out of things to occupy his mind he was fully intending to immerse himself in studying that language and redoing all of his videos and plans in Hindi.

Finishing his last email for the night, James leaned back and shifted the ice pack on his knee around a bit. He had to get to bed soon if he was going to be up early enough for a weight lifting session before breakfast. Armaan and Garima were sticklers about breakfast and dinner time and had a zero-snack policy so he quickly learned not to miss meal times. Brown eyes wandered over to his phone and he flicked on the screen. Sirius' face smiled brightly at him, a picture snapped from when they had snuck out of the house before sunrise and hiked out to a ridge to see the sky painted in its glorious colors. Fuck, he missed her so badly. Chuckling quietly to himself, James couldn't believe how hopeless he was. His lip was already trembling and all it took was one look. He could spend 95% of the day completely busy and out of his mind with work, but there would always be those few minutes between and his damn brain would always go to her.

A loud honk came from outside which was unusual for this hour and in this quiet neighborhood. He turned off the screen of his phone and groaned softly as he stretched out as far as he could to release the tension in his back and shoulders. A set of honks sounded off and he stood up to make his way to the freezer to drop off the ice pack. A few more loud honks went off.

"What the fuck is going on out there?" he murmured as he peeked out the window.

Armaan was probably going to have a lot to say about the disrespectful youth of today. Lifting a slat from the blinds he could barely make out a taxi parked in front of their building. That was weird. The taxi flashed its lights and honked a few more times. Who's attention were they trying to get? He pulled out the blinds a little further and squinted his eyes. Was that a person beside the taxi?

"Oh, oh fucking shit!" he gasped as he jerked the whole blind off the window and struggled to get the window jerked open. When the ancient thing finally submitted to his manhandling he could finally hear the colorful words being sent up his way from the crazed person by the taxi.

"You lousy son of a bitch! Come down here and face me like a man you coward!"

James might not have been able to clearly see those eyes that he knew were flashing, but he could hear the fury in that voice and he could see the anger and hurt in those waving arms and stomping feet.

"Shut the fuck up!" he yelled down from the window. "You're going to wake up the whole fucking neighborhood! I'll get the door!"

Sirius flipped him the middle finger but seemed to calm down a bit. The honking stopped and James could see her turn around to talk to the taxi driver. Taking a deep breath he turned on his heel and raced down the stairs and towards the front door. By the time he ripped it open he could see Sirius sprinting down the path and up the stairs. She launched herself into James' arms and nearly completely bowled him over.

"You fucking bastard!" she sobbed, squeezing him tightly in her arms. "Why wouldn't you talk to me?! Why did you fucking leave me like that?! You bastard!"

Sweeping back the black hair from her face, James examined her quickly to make sure that she wasn't harmed in any way before leaning in and pressing a deep kiss to her lips.

"Fucking shit, babe," he whispered hotly before kissing her again and again.

She dug her fingers into his shoulders and kissed him back just as intensely, her legs squeezed tightly around his waist. James pressed her against the front door and buried one hand into that luscious hair and the other firmly gripped a handful of her pert ass. Her mouth was so delicious and he just couldn't seem to get enough of it.

"You bastard," Sirius moaned between heavy breathes. "You left."

James pressed her even more tightly against the door and shook his head even as he continued pressing kisses to those lips.

"No, I didn't mean...Fuck...babe..."

They sunk to the floor in a tangle of limbs and locked lips, neither wanting to give up the connection for the moment. Finally, the necessity of breathing for more than bursts of a couple of seconds forced them apart and James rested his forehead against Sirius'. He still could barely comprehend the fact that she was in his arms at this very moment, right here with him. Strong hands cupped his cheeks and forced him to look into her expressive eyes and he felt ashamed with all the hurt that he saw in them. 

"What did I do, James?" she whispered even as her chest stuttered with gasps for air. "Why did you run away from me? Why weren't you _talking_ with me?"

He put his warm hands over hers and relished in their contact.

"I'm stupid, babe, totally so stupid." He knew that she deserved an explanation and as much as he had tried to avoid talking about it he couldn't anymore. Sirius had literally crossed an ocean to hunt him down. "I'm so sorry, so fucking sorry. Let's get in and I'll explain everything, okay?"

Sirius eyed him suspiciously, but she accepted his hand as he rolled up onto his feet and pulled her along. He took them through the kitchen to grab some cold drinks before leading her up to his room. Armaan and Garima hadn't come out to say anything but he was pretty sure that he would be getting a lecture tomorrow and maybe even a video chat from his dad. James grinned stupidly thinking that none of that mattered at all when compared to Sirius being here with him. He locked the door behind them and pulled Sirius onto his bed. Sirius blushed a little and tucked some loose hair behind her ear before crawling onto the sheets and sitting on her knees.

"Okay, James, spill it."

The bottles of juice were opened and James gave himself a moment to gather his thoughts. Being blunt had always worked with Sirius before, so he figured that it was the best approach this time as well.

"I was sure that you were going to break up with me soon," he blurted out and Sirius choked on her mouthful of juice before sputtering in protest.

"What the fuck, bro?!"

"And even if it wasn't today or tomorrow or even this summer, what about after graduation?" James' heart felt that familiar twisting knife. "And I'm not trying to say that you _have_ to stay with me for forever, that's not it at all. I want you to be free to make your choices and to live your best life. It just...it just was starting to feel like maybe I wouldn't be a part of that."

"That's just fucking crazy, James!" she shot back in agitation. "Why would you even think that? We haven't been fighting, we're best friends, we're pretty regular with the kissing and stuff, and I never got the impression that you didn't like anything that I was doing. And if you had a problem with something, why wouldn't you say so?"

Condensation was already forming on the outside of the juice bottle and James set his down with a sigh.

"I didn't want to say anything because it's not really my business what you do or don't know. You're your own person and are perfectly capable of knowing what you want. You shouldn't do things just for me."

Sirius shuffled forward on her knees until they only a couple of inches apart and then sat down again.

"Is this...are you upset because I didn't want to play club ball?"

He glanced down in embarrassment and shrugged.

"N-no, it's not like that."

"Just tell me, James."

"I just...we've always done soccer together. And I know that you only ever did it because of me, but I really liked that we got to spend so much time together. We did everything together and you seemed to like it just as much as I did, but now things are different. I'm not upset about the doctors or therapy, or anything specific really." The sheets under his hands suddenly seemed very interesting. "I love you, Sirius, and I love you the way that you are. And I want to spend all of my fucking time with you. I know it's selfish and totally unrealistic and that's why I didn't want to talk about it. I don't want to make you feel badly because I have issues. I was so fucking mad because you didn't even ask about coming to England with me."

A pale hand reached out and carefully took hold of his very tanned one. There had been many hours spent out in the sun this summer.

"I want to come out, James, and when I do I'll never be able to play on a team with you again. And even if I wanted to, I'm nowhere near as good as you are. Soccer is your life and your dream and that's beautiful. I still want to be a part of that dream, but just as someone who cheers you on. I want to be your own personal groupie, the one who goes to all of your games and drags Remus and Lily along when I can. I want to sit out in the miserable rain with a plastic bag covering my hair just to see you kick a ball into a net. I want to drive long hours with you and for you. I'm happy to do that, James, I really am."

"But what about university?" he protested. "We'll probably have different classes and I'll be in training and what the fuck will we do about dorms and stuff?"

Sirius bit her lip and looked at their joined hands. "We could...maybe we could just get a place together. You know, instead of the dorms."

James' heart felt like it stuttered to a halt as he stared at her blushing face.

"You'd want to do that?" he gasped, trying not to sound too excited at the prospect.

"I mean, yeah," she giggled softly. "We're already living together with your parents and I like it. I'd...I'd like it if we got our own place."

His thumb stroked gently along her wrist and for the first time in months the prospect of them lasting longer than another year seemed possible.

"But what about all the guys you'll meet at university? I mean, you're smokin' hot and I just know that everyone will want to be with you. What if you find someone else?"

Sirius rose her eyebrows in amusement. "What about all those girls fawning over you? Are you just going to ditch me for one of them?"

"No!" he replied vehemently. "Not a chance! I don't have eyes for anyone but you!" She gave him a very pointed stare and it took a few seconds before his face was heating up in embarrassment again. "Oh."

"James Potter, I'm beginning to get the impression that I've not been telling you just how much I adore you."

Those words sent shockwaves through his body and James couldn't believe just how affected he was by those words. "Y-yeah?"

"Fuck yeah," she purred before scooting even closer. "You're my best friend and I'm so lucky to have you be more than that. You're my boyfriend, James, and I know we hadn't said it before tonight but I love you too. I really do."

It felt like fireworks were going off in his head and James almost swooned. Sirius love him?

"C'mere babe," he murmured hotly and she sunk into his arms with ease. Their mouths slotted together perfectly and James relished in the sweet taste of his darling. "Sleep with me? I promise that I'll keep my hands respectable."

She giggled again, this time more breathlessly. "It's not your hands I'm worried about!"

"You little brat!" he laughed before pinching her side softly.

"Ack!"

"Okay, shhhh, shhhh, I don't want Armaan and Garima coming in here to chew me out."

"Chew us out," she laughed quietly.

"Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'll keep all of my body parts respectable for you. That good enough?" He was smiling widely even as he pretended to be put out.

"Okay, mister," she grinned. "And I'll do the same. Down to our undies? I didn't exactly bring anything with me on the flight."

James knew that he could have offered her one of his t-shirts, but he selfishly wanted as much of her up against him as possible.

"Yeah, underwear if you're fine with that."

She pressed a quick hot kiss to his lips before pulling away and slipping out of her jeans and silky top. James watched in awe as her milky skin was exposed and he loved how nicely the lilac bralette and matching briefs complimented her figure. She rose knowing eyebrows at him and he just shook his head before disrobing down to his boxers. She crawled into bed first while he flipped off the light switch and then he dove in behind her and spooned tightly against her body. Being careful to avoid contacting anything that might trigger dysphoria, James peppered kisses along her neck and shoulders, adoring the contented little sighs she rewarded him with. His fingers trailed over the safe skin softly, drawing out the gooseflesh and relaxing her completely.

This was perfection, and James wanted to have this in his life far more than he wanted even soccer.

*****

"You alright?"

James watched as Sirius took deep careful breaths and nodded.

"Y-yeah."

She smoothed at the satin of her beautiful dress, its hem ending just above her knees. Nice shoes were a little more difficult to find in her size but she had found some flats that were comfortable and still flattering.

"It's okay to be nervous," he assured her and she gave a shaky smile. "But we'll all be right there, okay?"

Nodding again, Sirius reached out a well manicured hand and he took it with care. Their graduation ceremony had been earlier that day and now they were all doing out for dinner to celebrate. This was the first time that Sirius would be going out of the house as herself, and for James that was more important than the walk across a stage for a diploma had been. She had decided to come out after graduation and this was her moment. They walked down the stairs hand-in-hand and James shamelessly admired her. The dress had a nice v-neck and was a little loose on top before cinching at the waist and flaring out to her knees. Around her neck was a delicate chain with a golden disc that had the Canis Major constellation embedded with small diamonds. It was his graduation present to her and she had nearly cried when she saw it.

"Oh, my babies are so beautiful!" Euphemia squealed before she was snapping away with her digital camera like crazy. "Sirius, you're just glowing! Oh, and James, look at you dressed up so nicely too!"

His three piece suit was in the same charcoal color as her dress and James thought that he probably only looked somewhat good because he was in the presence of an absolute goddess. Sirius could make anything clinging to her arm look good.

"Mom, you're looking pretty good yourself," he laughed with a wink. "But sorry, not as good as Sirius."

"To each our own," Fleamont tutted as he grabbed the keys off the table by the door. He took Sirius by the hand as she landed from the final step and he pressed endearing kisses to each of her cheeks. "You do look lovely, little one. James is a lucky man."

"Th-thanks, Dad," she muttered with red cheeks.

On the drive to the restaurant Sirius finally uploaded her coming out post on Instagram and Twitter. She had been working on it for months and had spent the last week carefully going through her accounts and clearing them out of things that she hadn't really cared for. From now on she intended to post only things that she liked or wanted; no posting out of others' expectations or to try to keep up appearances. With the post accomplished, she gave James a shaky smile and he offered her a quick kiss before posting up a picture on his Instagram that he had been wanting to for so long. It was an image of the two of them laughing, Sirius on his lap and and James smooshing his face against her cheek. The caption was short and sweet but everything that he wanted to say about the matter.

_Completely and utterly smitten with the most beautiful woman in the world._

Things were still all from certain this summer. He had received several scholarship offers but had waited on making his decision while Sirius applied to all of those universities. They had also decided that coming out quickly after school would allow time for dealing with any potential backlash from the universities in case they didn't want to support a queer player and his trans girlfriend. James wasn't bothered by possibly losing out on some of the scholarships or even all of them. He cared even less if some of their friends from high school decided to stop talking to them. If the worst-case scenario happened an he was rejected from all university teams and all amateur and pro leagues...James still didn't care.

He and Sirius were still going to find a university to go to together and they would go apartment hunting. Remus was probably going to stay in town and attend the local college so that he could stay near his doctors, but they would definitely drive or fly back often and video chat all the time. Lily was starting off local to save some money but she would be working towards Medical School and James was sure that it wouldn't be long before she was working ridiculous hours and neurotically reminding them to get their flu shots.

For now Sirius had decided not to proceed with any hormones or surgeries, but James knew that she could change her mind after they started getting sexually intimate. That would mean more doctors and medical treatments and a lot more things to work through on top of Freshman Year and he had already mentally prepared himself for that. He could study in the waiting rooms and add all of her medications into his daily timetables so that he could remind her and help her be consistent. James had even been seeing a therapist of his own for the past year, working through his concerns and anxieties so that he could be the man that Sirius deserved.

Squeezing Sirius' hand in his, James watched out the window as the streets flew by. They would figure things out little by little but tonight was a celebration and he wanted to be fully present for it.

"James?"

"Hmm?"

"I was thinking about a getting a tattoo while we're out on the road trip with Remus and Lily."

"Oh, yeah?" He grinned mischievously. "What do you want to get? One of those pets from your game? I think you've got every fucking one so it'd be like a badge of nerdiness."

"No, asshole," she laughed with a shove to his shoulder.

"Oh my, madam. An asshole?"

"Ew, fuck no! Damn it, James!" she was laughing even harder as he made a series of outrageously shocked faces. A couple of pinched ribs later and he stopped being ridiculous. "No, I'm trying to tell you something serious!"

"Okay, okay. Whew, I give. What did you have in mind?"

"I've been thinking about it a lot, and do you remember how that one journalist wrote that really cool article about you and said that you had feet as fast as a stag and a tackle that was probably just as painful as getting hit by a set of antlers?"

"Yeah?"

"Okay, well you're going to be at university now and I think that we could make it like your official nickname or something."

"Stag?" he asked with an amused grin.

"No, that's too close to stud and I want to be the only one to call you that." James burst out laughing again and she was practically bouncing in excitement. "And nicknames are supposed to be at least a tiny bit dumb, so this one's better. Prongs." She used her hands to gesture like a rack was on her head.

"Prongs," he tried before pursing his lips thoughtfully. "Interesting. I kinda like it."

"Well good, because that's what I'm going to start calling you," she laughed. "And so I was thinking about getting a small set of antlers on my hip or something. To go along with that, you know?"

James stared at her as she bit her lip in hopeful excitement and he felt that there wasn't a more perfect human being in the whole universe. He leaned in and pressed a slow and yet passionate kiss to her lips. This was Sirius telling him that maybe he was her forever too and he could have cried of happiness. And maybe he would later tonight but right now he kept himself in check and was careful not to smudge her carefully applied makeup.

"So what do I get to call you?" he chuckled warmly as he pulled away. "You need a dorky name too."

"Ooh, I hadn't thought about that!"

"What about...Padfoot!"

This startled a laugh out of her. "What is it with you and my feet?!"

"Hey, don't complain," he laughed as he squeezed her knee. "You should just be glad that you've got a guy who loves rubbing and pampering them for you! And besides, it's just not because you've got an addiction to pedicures. No, I was thinking more about like a dog? You know how they have those little pads on their feet? It's cute because, like _Padfoot_ , it covers your love of pedicures, your love of dogs, and also covers the fact that you walk around like a fucking ninja and scare the shit out of me all the time. So, Padfoot."

"Okay, I can see that." She nodded her head and glanced up as she mouthed the name, much like she was testing it out. "It's growing on me."

"And just think," he added softly, "I could get a set of puppy paw prints tattooed on my hip. To match you."

A blush spread across her cheeks like watercolor dragged across the page and James thought that he would never get tired of seeing that look on her.

"You want to?"

"Absolutely."

"Well...okay Prongs."

"Thanks, Padfoot."

They both giggled like idiots while the car was pulled up to the valet spot. Lily and Remus were already standing by the door and looked dazzling in their smart clothes. James had gotten Remus the suit as a graduation present and had even added a tie that he knew would match Lily's dress. The two of them had been making eyes at each other an awful lot during this past year and James was sure that it would be only a matter of days before they finally got together.

"Are you two ready?" Fleamont asked as he stared at the rearview mirror.

Grasping Sirius' hand tightly in his own, James nodded.

"Yeah, I think we're ready." 


End file.
